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Blick’s: A brief esquisse of my ideal eating establishment

November 19, 2011 by brandonjoyce

Welcome to Blick’s, a concrete imagining of my ultimate fantasy Fast-Foodery.

Blick’s is a Fast Food Involution.

Blick’s is the best of both worlds.

Still need a reason to eat at Blick’s?

Here are ten of them…


Good Reason Number One: Blick’s is America’s first entirely hylomorphic dinner menu. What this means is that every entrée at Blick’s is made from the very same substance— a supersubstance, Blickum— that is then pressed into different shapes, phases, and textures, and infused with a variety of natural and artificial flavorings.

There are square Blicks, round Blicks, iced Blicks, grilled Blick with a side of bitesize Blick-babies. Spicy Blicks. Slick Blicks. Invisi-Blicks. Bloomin’ Blicks. Blicks for all occasions. And for all you weirdos out there, we also have special-diet Blicks available in a plexiglass-trunk: Veggie and Vegan Blicks. Lactard Blicks. Kosher Blicks. Liquid Blick.  You name it.


Basic Blick Entrée-Forms


Good Reason Number Two: unlike those other guys, Blick’s is an economically progressive fast food establishment. The Basic Blick Meal is only One Dollar and has the same nutritional value as the Middling-Blick, Über-Blick and Blick Papal Platter, which are only distinguishable by their higher complexity of shape, packaging, and taste sensation.

Good Reason Number Three: Not only are all Blick Meals the same nutritional content, each one is exactly 2000 calories and 100 percent of your Recommended Daily Intake (RDI), making it all the easier to calculate and control your daily diet. Great for both skinny people and fat people. Vitamin A? 100 percent. Protein? 100 percent. Molybdenum? 100 percent. Are you with us? …100 percent.


Good Reason Number Four: To help you better absorb all the goodness that blickdom has to offer, we recommend trying our magical-recipe condiment, Birthday Sauce. Not only is Birthday Sauce perfect and delicious with every Blick, it also contains a special digestive that helps your body break down and absorb Blickum in all its glorious supersubstantiality. Tell your friends how much you love Birthday Sauce, by becoming a Blick-Buddy on Facebook.

Good Reason Number Five: Sometimes the wrapping is the best part. Not only do Blick wrappers come in a panoply of beautiful forms and eye-catching colors, every wrapper, cup, and implement is inscribed with medium-to-extralarge passages from canonical literary and philosophical works. Sit, eat and think. Or, engage your unwilling dining partner with bitesize bits of Hölderlin, Rabelais, Spinoza, Adorno, Quevedo, Bakhtin, Li Po— and nearly any name in the world library.

Also: receive a free copy of your favorite Blick Classic with every tenth Blick meal.

Good Reason Number Six: We all hate waste. Luckily for us, every container at Blick’s is 100 percent edible— not to mention light and delicious. So after you’ve finished absorbing your meals and literary supplements, slap some Birthday Sauce on that wrapper and go to town. Even our napkins and utensils are utterly munchable. Blick’s… the sensible alternative.

Good Reason Number Seven: The playground at Blick’s is for Adults Only. Children must dine in a glass-encased vestibule and talk about home renovation and groupons. Pets eat free.

Good Reason Number Eight: All people are welcome at Blick’s— even people who hate other people. That’s why we have an Auto-Blick food dispenser located outside of every Blick’s location. With this special automated food-dispenser, you’ll only have to interact with other human beings if you want to. Blick’s… Have it your way.

For those who do love people, our dining room is open 24 hours day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Meet your fellow diners by eating at our Blick-Mixer Booths. Customers are randomly assigned by their ticket numbers, and paired up for dinner with a new friend, to better overcome the awkwardness and alienation of modern life. However, Blick’s makes no guarantees about, and assumes no responsibility for, the accuracy, currency, content, or quality of third parties in the Blick-Mixer Booths. Terms and Conditions apply.

Good Reason Number Nine: How do we keep our prices so low? Simple: Total automation. All Blick Meals are created in a dazzling mechanical ballet, visible from both inside and outside the eating establishment. Watch the Blickum fly, squirt, and sizzle. You— the customer— are its only operator. You select your favorite geometries and taste sensations. You get to work the dials of the Soda Control Panel and finally mix down your flavors, sweetness, ice and carbonation with scientific precision. And what about those other guys? …Yeah, we didn’t think so.

The only Blick’s employees on hand are simply there to help guide discussion, propagate friendly yet appropriately chill vibrations, and assist in case of questions, maintenance, or criminal activity. If you need assistance, you can always spot one of our Big Time Operators by their distinctive sunglasses.

Good Reason Number Ten:  Every Blick’s location is created out of a modular architectural vocabulary of clashing themes and forms— so no two Blick’s are ever the same, or ever present a unified architectural expression. We stand by the bracing design ethos of “Confused Architecture,” first pioneered by the forward-thinkers down at Jack-in-the-Box™.

Blick’s… Life is too short to understand where you are.

A new Blick’s location


Need even more Good Ideas from the people at Blick’s… Stay Tuned.


Brandon Avery Joyce, CEO.



1 Comment »

  1. 0.0968518519 Watts says:

    “At 5-foot-7 and 125 pounds, Mattson looks like a meal-skipper, and he is one. Instead of having breakfast or lunch, he takes all his food over a period of a few hours each evening—a bowl of steamed cabbage, a bit of salmon, maybe some yogurt. It’s not unlike the regime that appears to protect his lab animals from cancer, stroke, and neurodegenerative disease. “Why do we eat three meals a day?” he asks me over the phone, not waiting for an answer. “From my research, it’s more like a social thing than something with a basis in our biology.”"

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